This was taken on March 22nd last spring. These same narcissus are out in the field as wisps of green, most without buds yet. It’s crazy how different each spring is, always unique and never certain.
This poor little blog has gotten the short end lately. Last year I made a personal goal of posting, 5x a week, no excuses and I did alright. But this year is different, I’m different and I still haven’t found that magical, easy rhythm yet. Maybe waiting for it to find me rather than intentionally creating it is the problem. I do so like to be in the driver’s seat ; )
I’m feeling really nervous this spring. My Mom reminds me that I’m nervous every spring. At the start of our season, I am normally a puddle of self-doubt, insecurity, and nerves. I question my bravery, my ability, my strength. Once I’m into July I feel like steel and am able to roll with a whole lot of crazy, but in March and April, my skin is still soft and deep down I’m terrified. Will I be able to navigate another wild season, will we be able to stay connected as a family, will Chris and I meet our personal and business goals, will I lose my touch, will I falter too horribly, will I blow all of these amazing opportunities that keep coming my way….will I fail?
I know when we step out into life and risk, failure is a very real possibility. I fail a lot, all the time actually. For everything that comes through or works out, nine others bite the dust. I wish it weren’t this way but for me, failure makes up 90% of my success. When I’m swimming in insecurity, it’s easy to forget that this is all a game, a risky one, and that nothing is certain. My real goal is to stay true to myself and do MY best, not to be perfect, cool, or safe but to be true. True to myself.
So here I am, planting and planning for the season to come, trying out a million and one new things and failing a whole lot more than I’d like. But until I find a way to cheat the system I guess I’ll have to wade through this terror to find my courage once again. I know it’s on the other side, I just have to be brave enough to find it.