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March 20th 2012

spring

Written by
Floret
This was taken  3/22 last spring. These same narcissus are out in the field as wisps of green, most without buds yet. It’s crazy how different each spring is, always unique and never certain.
This poor little blog has gotten the short end lately. Last year I made a personal goal of posting, 5x a week, no excuses and I did alright. But this year is different, I’m different and I still haven’t found that magical, easy rhythm yet. Maybe waiting for it to find me rather than intentionally creating it is the problem. I do so like to be in the drivers seat ; )
I’m feeling really nervous this spring. My Mom reminds me that I’m nervous every spring. At the start of our season I am normally a puddle of self doubt, insecurity and nerves. I question my bravery, my ability, my strength. Once I’m into July I feel like steel and am able to roll with a whole lot of crazy, but in March and April my skin is still soft and deep down I’m terrified.Will I be able to navigate another wild season, will we be able to stay connected as a family, will Chris and I meet our personal and business goals, will I lose my touch, will I falter too horribly, will I blow all of these amazing opportunities that keep coming my way….will I fail?
I know when we step out into life and risk, failure is a very real possibility. I fail a lot, all the time actually. For every thing that comes through or works out, nine others bite the dust. I wish it weren’t this way but for me, failure makes up 90% of my success. When I’m swimming in insecurity, it’s easy to forget that this is all a game, a risky one and that nothing is certain. My real goal is to stay true to myself and do MY best, not to be perfect, or cool or safe but to be true. True to myself.
So here I am, planting and planning for the season to come, trying out a million and one new things and failing a whole lot more than I’d like. But until I find a way to cheat the system I guess I’ll have to wade through this terror to find my courage once again. I know it’s on the other side, I just have to be brave enough to find it.

16 Comments

  1. Annette Crawford on

    This was a really helpful post, I keep going back to your early days of growing flowers because I am feeling this way right now. what do I know about growing and selling flowers? When and how do I harvest the daffodils and tulips that are already coming up this warm Colorado spring? Should I water them or should I keep them on the dry side? Will I be able to find customers? Eeek….. But I know from experience that if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other it will all work out, one way or another. As always Erin, thanks for your vulnerability in sharing you own personal thoughts and experiences with us. It really helps!

    Reply
  2. Denise on

    Hang in Erin. I know what you mean and I feel your insecurities. Just keep close to the flowers and the beauty will inspire. Wishing you a good season

    Reply
  3. Leslie on

    Even in your doubt you are refreshing and inspiring. Thank you.

    Reply
  4. edi gardner on

    Erin! How can you doubt. Now start behaving sensibly for your pupils! My 50 Mile Bouquet is on its way and I know you are doubtlessly, fearlessly there

    Reply
  5. Laura on

    Those flowers that are growing in your gardens will inspire you with all the strength you will need…. we all can't wait to see them…

    Reply
  6. julie on

    such a beautiful, honest post….i can only imagine after all the time, love & passion that goes into your business / life that there would be moments of doubt & insecurity…this is your dream, what your beautiful heart desires & following that can always be a little uneasy at times…..the flowers will bloom & your beautiful bouquets will shine….stay true to yourself sweet erin….u r such an amazing inspiration. xxx

    Reply
  7. tanya Good on

    even when you have self doubt, know that you inspire so many of us to jump into our dreams, so thanks for that!!!
    I can't wait to see what this season brings you! I know it will be amazing!
    and thanks for all your words of wisdom to me
    -your favorite pain in the butt from NJ!

    Reply
  8. anotherringcoming on

    It is so reassuring, as Belinda says, to hear someone who inspires you, someone who gives you something to aspire to, admit that they feel, well, human. I am often struck with these pessimistic feelings about diving into this flower business and you have reminded me that I just need to do what I love and believe in my talent.

    Thankyou.

    Reply
  9. Georgianna on

    Being so candid about your doubts and fears is refreshing and very inspiring to others. I think you're on an amazing journey, Erin. And this year is going to be brilliant for you, I just know it is! – g

    Reply
  10. Linadlou on

    I must echo Belinda at Wild Acre, the pure joy and beauty you bring to so many is awe-inspiring. Thanks. And thank you too, for being real. Regards, Linda

    Reply
  11. K. Barber-Flower Farmer on

    Erin you are in no way a person who can fail. I have learned so much from you and I am sure your family will only be better for all of your hard work and nurturing. Trust yourself.

    Reply
  12. Floret on

    Aww, sad to hear that but you've gotta take care of yourself!
    I couldn't do it without my amazing little family. They take up so much slack and help make it all an adventure :)

    Reply
  13. Julie on

    Wow. I can't tell you how much your post hit home today…except that I'm not as strong as you. With a greenhouse full of plants, kids who barely remember my name, and just this incredible…tiredness…I've decided this will be my last season. I miss gardening. I miss growing for fun, digging in the soil just for pleasure. People can live without my heirloom tomatoes–but honestly, Erin, you create such beauty with your work. Everyone needs beauty in their lives. The growing part is stressful and crazy–but your talent is a sure thing. Thanks for such an honest post–but this reader has full confidence in your amazing creations!

    Reply
  14. Belinda @ Wild Acre on

    You know, Erin, there is nothing more reassuring than when someone who floors you with their talent and success is honest enough to admit to feelings of doubt and actual failures. I don't, of course, mean that I take any pleasure in your discomfort – only that if you feel these things, somehow it gives me permission to stop being so hard on myself for all my insecurities. You will fly of course and amaze us all with your hard graft and crazy talent! Thanks for sharing your reality. Xxx

    Reply
  15. Maerim on

    It's just as you said in your first lines, every spring will be different and uncertain but if you look back on everything you've accomplished, with all the challenges and mistakes you might have made, and see where you are now…WOW Your life thank God is something so beautiful and special! May you have the strength and clarity to meet every challenge that comes you way with the awareness that it's there to take you even higher. Love your blog, you're awesome!

    Reply
  16. Foxtail Lilly on

    Your photos always show the most amazing flowers! BE PROUD, BE STRONG! The main thing is you are going for it and riding the wave -some give in at the start line . Have a happy, flowery Spring Tx

    Reply

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